So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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