I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
