he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
