i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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