Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(586): View more from Michigan

dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.

Fav 26 1912 4194
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(206): View more from Washington

weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions

Fav 12 5910 1310
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(804): View more from Virginia

I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.

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(817): View more from Texas

I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.

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(+61): View more from Australia

BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON

(+61): View more from Australia

SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE

(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.

Fav 9 1785 835
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(520): View more from Arizona

Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.

Fav 6 1649 772
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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover

Fav 0 659 386
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(414): View more from Wisconsin

What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.

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