shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
