ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
