I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
