you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
