i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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