Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
