I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
