I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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