I wanna bring you to show and tell
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The best revenge is premature balding
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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