sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
