just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
