thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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