My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
