Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
