Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My liver just had a heart attack.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
