What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
