I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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