i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
