Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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