Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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