gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
