8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
