Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
