her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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