Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
