I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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