I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
