That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
