I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
