new low.... made out with someone while peeing
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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