Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
