I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
