my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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