Don't make out with my wife yet
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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