shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
