I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
