i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
