Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
