I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you had me at cake vodka
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
