i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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