I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
