sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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