my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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