The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
