Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
